2012 is drawing to a close and it's been quite a year!
I'm going to start off by looking back at my resolutions from the start of the year and seeing how I've done. I helpfully wrote them down here so I have no excuses and can't pretend I achieved everything! So, what was I attempting to do?
- Get fit again. Mission failed! I have been a lot more active this year and made a serious effort to walk rather than getting the bus etc etc, but for numerous reasons I haven't really got properly into exercising the way I'd intended to.
- Start eating properly again. Mission partially accomplished. I still have my moments, but am by and large doing a lot better than I was a year ago. This is probably due to finally admitting that I had an issue with things, which is something I should've done years ago.
- Sort out my finances. Mission partially accomplished. I've only been earning "proper" money for 5 months, but the credit card and overdraft are cleared and I'm chipping away at the student debt (albeit slowly).
- Attempt to be more positive. Mission partially accomplished. As with eating, I still have my moments, but I was described at work as "that quine* who never stops smiling" so I must be doing alright! *quine = generic term for female in this neck of the woods.
- Graduate and become a doctor. Mission accomplished!
I'm not going to reflect too much on the year as a whole. There have been ups and downs and happy times and sad times, as there will have been for anyone looking back on a 12 month period. Instead, I think it's time to look forward, and to make another set of resolutions I may well not stick to!
So, in 2013 I hope I will:
- Successfully be signed off for my FY1 jobs, gain full GMC registration and start working as an FY2. Fairly obvious I suppose but getting successfully through my first year of work has absolutely got to be a priority.
- Pass the first year of my MSc and PGCert. As above, fairly obvious, but given what I'm shelling out for tuition fees it would be a very expensive mistake if I didn't study enough towards my courses!
- Get in an application for paediatric specialty training. This will probably surprise absolutely noone, but it's a bit scary thinking that I'll be applying in less than a year. I haven't completely decided whether or not to apply for a normal ST (specialty training) post or for an ACF (academic clinical fellowship) instead, but no doubt I'll blog about the pros and cons of each later.
- Buy a car. I have made so many excuses for not doing things because not owning a car makes them difficult. I need to bite the bullet and get one, especially now money is less of an issue.
- Get fit. Again. I say it every year, but eventually I'll stick to it!
Hope you all enjoy seeing in the New Year. I'll be on night shift, so think of me as you tuck into your champagne and canapes!
xxxx
Monday, 31 December 2012
Monday, 10 December 2012
Survival
Apologies for my protracted absence from the blogosphere! I a few bits and bobs to update on, so I'll try to keep it relatively brief and free from waffle...
- In October I had the first week of teaching for my MSc. I'm studying towards this master's at Imperial, and so far I'm really enjoying it. As well as it being a fun week socially (it was down in London so I stayed with my sister, met @lilDrSunshine who is doing the same course, and caught up with some old friends from school I haven't seen in years), it was also just what I needed from a professional/academic point of view. The lectures were mostly on the foetal and early life origins of disease, which is an area I find very interesting, mostly due to the influence of a certain tutor who has been very supportive over the past few years. We also had some teaching in how to write research proposals, which will prove very useful should I succeed in my goal of becoming an academic. It was really nice just to be thinking again, using my brain to work through proper science. The fact that I didn't check my phone or tweet during any of the lectures just shows how interesting they must have been! I'm now working on my first proper assignment for the course, which is a research proposal - I'll let you know how I get on with it.
- I have survived my first job! Actually, technically I'm not 100% sure whether or not I have as I don't have my final end of placement assessment with my supervisor until Wednesday, so I may have completely failed but I'm banking on my theory that if I was likely to fail someone would have told me already - best not to count my chickens before they're hatched though! Anyway, I have physically and mentally survived my first 4 months as an FY1. Having spoken to a lot of people who've worked on those wards, they're notoriously difficult for junior staff, so I'm hoping my next job will be a bit less stressful! Even if the set up is mostly unchanged, I suppose I have 4 months of experience behind me now. I started my new rotation with 2 night shifts (covering the same wards I covered on nights in my last job) and I'm now on annual leave until 21st December, so I'll let you know how I'm getting on once I've worked my long day on Christmas day and night shifts over New Year!!!
- As mentioned, I've definitely drawn the short straw and am working both Christmas and New Year, however it does mean I have the week off in February I need for the next instalment of MSc teaching. I'm already looking forward to going down, although this time I won't get the overnight train back up north and then work a long weekend (seriously, it isn't recommended).
- I suppose I ought to take some time to reflect on my health at this time. As well health issues having been a worry for me in the past, it's also one of my "Duties as a doctor" (so say the GMC) that I'm aware of my own health and take care of myself. Having been told by various well-meaning people at various points that I would have a major crash in my mood once I started work, I've been pleasantly surprised. Working longish hours and being on my feet most of the days means I'm tired enough that I sleep pretty well when I go to bed. Eating is something to be done quickly when there's time, so it's fairly regimented too. The biggest "problem" I have, if it can even be called that, is that because I work intense bursts of up to 12 days on without a break, I also have quite a lot of free time where I'm likely to over think. Fortunately I'm focussing on my MSc in this time so I'm keeping my mind nice and busy.
Right, I think that's me relatively up to date. I'll probably blog more in the next few weeks as I procrastinate whilst I try to write this assignment!
xxx
- In October I had the first week of teaching for my MSc. I'm studying towards this master's at Imperial, and so far I'm really enjoying it. As well as it being a fun week socially (it was down in London so I stayed with my sister, met @lilDrSunshine who is doing the same course, and caught up with some old friends from school I haven't seen in years), it was also just what I needed from a professional/academic point of view. The lectures were mostly on the foetal and early life origins of disease, which is an area I find very interesting, mostly due to the influence of a certain tutor who has been very supportive over the past few years. We also had some teaching in how to write research proposals, which will prove very useful should I succeed in my goal of becoming an academic. It was really nice just to be thinking again, using my brain to work through proper science. The fact that I didn't check my phone or tweet during any of the lectures just shows how interesting they must have been! I'm now working on my first proper assignment for the course, which is a research proposal - I'll let you know how I get on with it.
- I have survived my first job! Actually, technically I'm not 100% sure whether or not I have as I don't have my final end of placement assessment with my supervisor until Wednesday, so I may have completely failed but I'm banking on my theory that if I was likely to fail someone would have told me already - best not to count my chickens before they're hatched though! Anyway, I have physically and mentally survived my first 4 months as an FY1. Having spoken to a lot of people who've worked on those wards, they're notoriously difficult for junior staff, so I'm hoping my next job will be a bit less stressful! Even if the set up is mostly unchanged, I suppose I have 4 months of experience behind me now. I started my new rotation with 2 night shifts (covering the same wards I covered on nights in my last job) and I'm now on annual leave until 21st December, so I'll let you know how I'm getting on once I've worked my long day on Christmas day and night shifts over New Year!!!
- As mentioned, I've definitely drawn the short straw and am working both Christmas and New Year, however it does mean I have the week off in February I need for the next instalment of MSc teaching. I'm already looking forward to going down, although this time I won't get the overnight train back up north and then work a long weekend (seriously, it isn't recommended).
- I suppose I ought to take some time to reflect on my health at this time. As well health issues having been a worry for me in the past, it's also one of my "Duties as a doctor" (so say the GMC) that I'm aware of my own health and take care of myself. Having been told by various well-meaning people at various points that I would have a major crash in my mood once I started work, I've been pleasantly surprised. Working longish hours and being on my feet most of the days means I'm tired enough that I sleep pretty well when I go to bed. Eating is something to be done quickly when there's time, so it's fairly regimented too. The biggest "problem" I have, if it can even be called that, is that because I work intense bursts of up to 12 days on without a break, I also have quite a lot of free time where I'm likely to over think. Fortunately I'm focussing on my MSc in this time so I'm keeping my mind nice and busy.
Right, I think that's me relatively up to date. I'll probably blog more in the next few weeks as I procrastinate whilst I try to write this assignment!
xxx
Sunday, 30 September 2012
European Working Time Directive
The current bain of my working life is the European working time directive. Not only are my hours considerably less than someone in my position would have worked a few years ago (yes, that IS a bad thing, but my lack of clinical exposure is a topic for another blog), junior doctors are now subject to "monitoring". This involves having to write down exactly the hours you were working, whether or not you took your breaks and explaining what precisely you were doing if you were late finishing or didn't get a tea break. Should you have the audacity to stay late so as not to hand over a crappy job, or be too busy try to resuscitate a septic patient to go for lunch, you are reminded that you are breaking the law. It is also highly likely that you will be accused of having poor time management skills. I cannot think of another circumstance where commitment to your job, working extra hours for no extra pay and attempting to make life easier for your colleagues leads to criticism. Is it any wonder junior doctors are disillusioned?!!!
Tuesday, 28 August 2012
That's Life, That's What All The People Say...
Well, the past few weeks have been something of an emotional roller coaster. As well as dealing with some very challenging things at work, I've also split with the guy I was seeing (definitely for the best but I'm still gutted) and lost my Nana (we weren't close but I hate seeing my Dad so upset).
My first run of 12 shifts in a row was really quite exhausting. Being able to switch my alarm clock off when I went to bed on Friday felt like a definite luxury. Even though I don't start work particularly early (9am so the alarm goes off around 7), it's amazing how tiring it can feel just knowing there isn't the option of a lie in at all! The weekend in particular was pretty tough as I was working 12.5 hour days on Friday, Saturday and Sunday with very little in the way of senior support.
Being a doctor is much more emotionally demanding than I had anticipated. I'm not sure whether this is because I've also had other stresses in my life or I was just rather naive when I started. I seem to have a lot of patients who are either essentially dying or medically as fit as we can make them but unable to leave the hospital because there are social/care provision issues. I wasn't quite prepared to be discussing end of life care with relatives after only a matter of weeks in the job, nor was I aware that I'd be representing the "medical team" at case conferences and meetings so early in my career.
I'm now on a week of annual leave, which is a bit strange. I hadn't really anticipated having any length of time off so soon after starting work, but we get allocated our leave so someone will always have it in August - and at least I didn't have the first two weeks of the month off like some of my friends did! I'm not doing an awful lot but I get paid on Thursday so maybe I'll do something a bit more exciting when I have some cash...
Nothing more exciting to report, sadly, but my MSc starts in October so I should have something useful to write about then!
xxx
My first run of 12 shifts in a row was really quite exhausting. Being able to switch my alarm clock off when I went to bed on Friday felt like a definite luxury. Even though I don't start work particularly early (9am so the alarm goes off around 7), it's amazing how tiring it can feel just knowing there isn't the option of a lie in at all! The weekend in particular was pretty tough as I was working 12.5 hour days on Friday, Saturday and Sunday with very little in the way of senior support.
Being a doctor is much more emotionally demanding than I had anticipated. I'm not sure whether this is because I've also had other stresses in my life or I was just rather naive when I started. I seem to have a lot of patients who are either essentially dying or medically as fit as we can make them but unable to leave the hospital because there are social/care provision issues. I wasn't quite prepared to be discussing end of life care with relatives after only a matter of weeks in the job, nor was I aware that I'd be representing the "medical team" at case conferences and meetings so early in my career.
I'm now on a week of annual leave, which is a bit strange. I hadn't really anticipated having any length of time off so soon after starting work, but we get allocated our leave so someone will always have it in August - and at least I didn't have the first two weeks of the month off like some of my friends did! I'm not doing an awful lot but I get paid on Thursday so maybe I'll do something a bit more exciting when I have some cash...
Nothing more exciting to report, sadly, but my MSc starts in October so I should have something useful to write about then!
xxx
Sunday, 12 August 2012
Working Girl
Apologies for the unintentional hiatus in posting recently. Things have been rather busy recently. I have moved into a new flat, graduated, been away for a week and started work since I last posted (there's also a boy on the scene but I shan't bore you with the details).
My graduation was absolutely lovely. I was lucky enough to graduate on the one day where it wasn't absolutely tipping it down with rain. Lots of close friends were there and it was a very happy occasion with plenty of wine and Pimm's too. The icing on the cake was my friend's boyfriend proposing to her just after the ceremony - very exciting and I'm delighted for them :-)
I've also had another week away with Over The Wall. Anyone who has read my posts from last summer will be aware that I'm something of an OTW evangelist. Once again I had an amazing week and met some really inspiring kids. I hope I can arrange my leave/days off so that I'm able to go next year - I'd be absolutely gutted if I couldn't. After a wonderful but tiring and emotionally draining week, it's sometimes easy to forget the real reason we do this, but the comments from some of the kids and their parents after they'd got back just sum it up so well. These are two of the quotes which really made this year worthwhile for me.
"I have just recently came back from the 2012 Tulliallan "over the wall" camp, i would just like to say thank you now because i did not have time to do it before i left.
Thank you for.....
Helping me push myself beyond myself beyond my limits
Making me enjoy at first seemingly immature songs :).
Letting me feel Normal for once"
"Thank you so much for letting me join you again this summer, for another amazing camp. This past week has been the best week of my life. I will never forget the laughs, songs, the dances, the tears (emotional/happy ones!), and the memories that have come out of it. I have met some fantastic people that will inspire me everyday for the rest of my life. It is truly impossible to put an Over The Wall camp into words. From the staff and volunteers, to the campers: every single person at Over The Wall is just incredible. Your camps are the highlight of my year and heaven on earth for me. I look forward to seeing the photos that were taken this past week, which I will treasure forever. Leaving camp this morning was so difficult and emotional for me - but that shows what a great time I've had there.
What you do is wonderful.
Thank you."
I'm feeling quite emotional reading those back. I know both the kids who wrote them and they are really wonderful young people who have overcome some really tough challenges but are none-the-less bright, talented, enthusiastic and kind.
I could talk about camp all day (in fact, I pretty much do) but I should move on to what I imagine is more exciting for most people who read this: starting work!
I was one of the slightly unfortunate people who drew the short straw and my first ever shift was a night shift. Although it was pretty nerve-wracking and hard going, I feel like in only two shifts I learnt an awful lot and am already much more confident than I was before starting. I've also now done 5 day shifts on the ward where I'm based. I'm quite lucky in that the other doctors are very supportive and helpful and our consultants are happy to be contacted if we have any queries or concerns. The nurses, therapists etc are also all lovely, which makes the whole process of settling into the job a lot easier.
Without giving away anything confidential, I have seen and done a real mixture of stuff. I was really worried about practical procedures as my last student placements didn't offer much opportunity for practising, however, I have successfully managed venepuncture, cannulation, arterial blood gas sampling and catheterisation in the past week. Hopefully this means that my colleagues won't think I'm incompetent should I struggle with a few difficult patients in future. I have also confirmed death and filled in death certificates - rather morbid but something every junior doctor needs to get used to doing.
Whilst it's true that being an FY1/JHO/lowest of the low is largely about organisation and paperwork rather than medicine, I have found I've had plenty of opportunities to assess sick patients, prescribe, examine and generally use my brain - something I was worried wouldn't be the case. In true Learnaholic fashion, I have also found myself some research to be getting on with, and my MSc starts in October.
Right, I must head to bed as tomorrow is day 1 of 12 and I need to get enough sleep!
Goodnight xxx
My graduation was absolutely lovely. I was lucky enough to graduate on the one day where it wasn't absolutely tipping it down with rain. Lots of close friends were there and it was a very happy occasion with plenty of wine and Pimm's too. The icing on the cake was my friend's boyfriend proposing to her just after the ceremony - very exciting and I'm delighted for them :-)
I've also had another week away with Over The Wall. Anyone who has read my posts from last summer will be aware that I'm something of an OTW evangelist. Once again I had an amazing week and met some really inspiring kids. I hope I can arrange my leave/days off so that I'm able to go next year - I'd be absolutely gutted if I couldn't. After a wonderful but tiring and emotionally draining week, it's sometimes easy to forget the real reason we do this, but the comments from some of the kids and their parents after they'd got back just sum it up so well. These are two of the quotes which really made this year worthwhile for me.
"I have just recently came back from the 2012 Tulliallan "over the wall" camp, i would just like to say thank you now because i did not have time to do it before i left.
Thank you for.....
Helping me push myself beyond myself beyond my limits
Making me enjoy at first seemingly immature songs :).
Letting me feel Normal for once"
"Thank you so much for letting me join you again this summer, for another amazing camp. This past week has been the best week of my life. I will never forget the laughs, songs, the dances, the tears (emotional/happy ones!), and the memories that have come out of it. I have met some fantastic people that will inspire me everyday for the rest of my life. It is truly impossible to put an Over The Wall camp into words. From the staff and volunteers, to the campers: every single person at Over The Wall is just incredible. Your camps are the highlight of my year and heaven on earth for me. I look forward to seeing the photos that were taken this past week, which I will treasure forever. Leaving camp this morning was so difficult and emotional for me - but that shows what a great time I've had there.
What you do is wonderful.
Thank you."
I'm feeling quite emotional reading those back. I know both the kids who wrote them and they are really wonderful young people who have overcome some really tough challenges but are none-the-less bright, talented, enthusiastic and kind.
I could talk about camp all day (in fact, I pretty much do) but I should move on to what I imagine is more exciting for most people who read this: starting work!
I was one of the slightly unfortunate people who drew the short straw and my first ever shift was a night shift. Although it was pretty nerve-wracking and hard going, I feel like in only two shifts I learnt an awful lot and am already much more confident than I was before starting. I've also now done 5 day shifts on the ward where I'm based. I'm quite lucky in that the other doctors are very supportive and helpful and our consultants are happy to be contacted if we have any queries or concerns. The nurses, therapists etc are also all lovely, which makes the whole process of settling into the job a lot easier.
Without giving away anything confidential, I have seen and done a real mixture of stuff. I was really worried about practical procedures as my last student placements didn't offer much opportunity for practising, however, I have successfully managed venepuncture, cannulation, arterial blood gas sampling and catheterisation in the past week. Hopefully this means that my colleagues won't think I'm incompetent should I struggle with a few difficult patients in future. I have also confirmed death and filled in death certificates - rather morbid but something every junior doctor needs to get used to doing.
Whilst it's true that being an FY1/JHO/lowest of the low is largely about organisation and paperwork rather than medicine, I have found I've had plenty of opportunities to assess sick patients, prescribe, examine and generally use my brain - something I was worried wouldn't be the case. In true Learnaholic fashion, I have also found myself some research to be getting on with, and my MSc starts in October.
Right, I must head to bed as tomorrow is day 1 of 12 and I need to get enough sleep!
Goodnight xxx
Thursday, 21 June 2012
Impostor Syndrome
Today I was reading through the lovely @tablet_girl's blog when I came across this post where she mentions the concept of "impostor syndrome". It isn't a term I've heard used before but as soon as I read it I knew what she meant. In fact, I feel like it summed up things so well that I decided to blog about it!
I should point out that by impostor syndrome I don't mean Capgras syndrome (a disorder where the sufferer believes that those around them have been replaced by impostors) but the feeling that one is an impostor and doesn't deserve their successes and achievements. There's a totally unscientific but quite useful page on Wikipedia which explains it nicely.
Like Tablet Girl I've had low self esteem since the year dot. In fact, I think I mentioned it in my first mental health related post, The Real Confession back in January. I don't recall any reason for my lack of self belief. I was bullied at secondary school and I have no doubt that this made the problem worse, but I recall feeling inadequate years before that. I remember as a fairly young child (maybe 6 or 7) watching some sort of Pride of Britain type programme and feeling that nothing I could ever achieve in life would really be worth much because I hadn't encountered enough adversity. Ever since then, I've been plagued by feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. I brush off any compliments because I don't feel like I deserve them. Any successes I have are either flukes or not "proper" achievements for whatever reason. At uni, I was terrified that someone would one day "discover" that I wasn't really good enough to be there and would kick me out. In relationships I'm constantly convinced that once my friends or boyfriends know what I'm "really like" they'll have no interest in me any more.
There is only one thing which perhaps contributed to my slipping into this way of thinking. I don't know if it really has anything to do with it, but it's the only thing I can think of at the moment. I've always been aware that both of my parents grew up in relatively "poor" families - single parent, financially insecure, struggling to make ends meet. In comparison, my parents are happily married, my Dad has always had a decent job and although we've had to be careful, there has never been a time that food was scarce or bills couldn't be paid. I've often felt guilty for this. I am no more deserving than either of my parents, or indeed the many millions of people globally who live in poverty. It was a stroke of luck (my Grandma would've said "by the grace of God") that I was born into a fairly financially secure family. I'm not sure how this translated in my head as my achievements being less worthy, but certainly a part of me has always felt that my degree would be more impressive if I'd come from a less well off background (or something else "bad" had happened - serious illness, losing a parent etc). It is not logical, I don't even really understand it, yet I feel it.
I suspect it is as a "side-effect" of this guilt that I do not value my own successes highly. Objectively, I know I've worked hard to get where I am, but I still feel undeserving. After all, it was only luck/chance that gave me the intellect to pursue this career. I'm sure there are lots of people who would love to go to university etc but no matter how hard they work will not succeed academically. It seems unfair that my hard work results in such praise just because it results in a qualification/publication/degree. Similarly, I recently found out I passed my final medical school exams. My parents, naturally, are very proud and feel that I ought to change all my accounts, credit cards etc to say "Dr" rather than "Miss". In their words, I "deserve it". To me, it's just a qualification. Yes, I worked hard, and yes, I passed, but did I do anything more than teachers or lawyers or accountants? Not really, and they don't get to parade around a fancy title.
As I feel that I don't deserve my successes and my achievements in life are purely down to luck, it follows fairly reasonably that I feel like I haven't really achieved anything of worth and therefore must not actually be good enough to do what I do. Having no worthy achievements means, of course, that I must have only got my jobs etc through luck or deception, and at some point someone is going to realise their mistake and tell me to go away.
I'm not sure that this makes an awful lot of sense, but I felt like it might be useful to try to work out where these feelings come from so that I can attempt to change them.
I should point out that by impostor syndrome I don't mean Capgras syndrome (a disorder where the sufferer believes that those around them have been replaced by impostors) but the feeling that one is an impostor and doesn't deserve their successes and achievements. There's a totally unscientific but quite useful page on Wikipedia which explains it nicely.
Like Tablet Girl I've had low self esteem since the year dot. In fact, I think I mentioned it in my first mental health related post, The Real Confession back in January. I don't recall any reason for my lack of self belief. I was bullied at secondary school and I have no doubt that this made the problem worse, but I recall feeling inadequate years before that. I remember as a fairly young child (maybe 6 or 7) watching some sort of Pride of Britain type programme and feeling that nothing I could ever achieve in life would really be worth much because I hadn't encountered enough adversity. Ever since then, I've been plagued by feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. I brush off any compliments because I don't feel like I deserve them. Any successes I have are either flukes or not "proper" achievements for whatever reason. At uni, I was terrified that someone would one day "discover" that I wasn't really good enough to be there and would kick me out. In relationships I'm constantly convinced that once my friends or boyfriends know what I'm "really like" they'll have no interest in me any more.
There is only one thing which perhaps contributed to my slipping into this way of thinking. I don't know if it really has anything to do with it, but it's the only thing I can think of at the moment. I've always been aware that both of my parents grew up in relatively "poor" families - single parent, financially insecure, struggling to make ends meet. In comparison, my parents are happily married, my Dad has always had a decent job and although we've had to be careful, there has never been a time that food was scarce or bills couldn't be paid. I've often felt guilty for this. I am no more deserving than either of my parents, or indeed the many millions of people globally who live in poverty. It was a stroke of luck (my Grandma would've said "by the grace of God") that I was born into a fairly financially secure family. I'm not sure how this translated in my head as my achievements being less worthy, but certainly a part of me has always felt that my degree would be more impressive if I'd come from a less well off background (or something else "bad" had happened - serious illness, losing a parent etc). It is not logical, I don't even really understand it, yet I feel it.
I suspect it is as a "side-effect" of this guilt that I do not value my own successes highly. Objectively, I know I've worked hard to get where I am, but I still feel undeserving. After all, it was only luck/chance that gave me the intellect to pursue this career. I'm sure there are lots of people who would love to go to university etc but no matter how hard they work will not succeed academically. It seems unfair that my hard work results in such praise just because it results in a qualification/publication/degree. Similarly, I recently found out I passed my final medical school exams. My parents, naturally, are very proud and feel that I ought to change all my accounts, credit cards etc to say "Dr" rather than "Miss". In their words, I "deserve it". To me, it's just a qualification. Yes, I worked hard, and yes, I passed, but did I do anything more than teachers or lawyers or accountants? Not really, and they don't get to parade around a fancy title.
As I feel that I don't deserve my successes and my achievements in life are purely down to luck, it follows fairly reasonably that I feel like I haven't really achieved anything of worth and therefore must not actually be good enough to do what I do. Having no worthy achievements means, of course, that I must have only got my jobs etc through luck or deception, and at some point someone is going to realise their mistake and tell me to go away.
I'm not sure that this makes an awful lot of sense, but I felt like it might be useful to try to work out where these feelings come from so that I can attempt to change them.
Sunday, 17 June 2012
Dr Learnaholic, at your service
That's right, I have passed finals and am thus Doctor Learnaholic! Extremely happy and relieved to have got to this point after seven years of pretty hard slog at university. I will be starting work as a very, very junior doctor on July 31st, with a week of shadowing beforehand. This also means that I've got on to my MSc (in paediatrics and child health), which I'll be doing part time over the next couple of years. Well, I need to justify calling myself the learnaholic, don't I?!!!
Monday, 11 June 2012
I was sitting, waiting, wishing...
Waiting for exam results is one of the most stressful experiences there is for students. The revision period, with all the worry and anticipation and studying to be done, is difficult, but I've always found that I can feel at least a little in control by working hard and being as prepared as possible. Now the exams are over, there is absolutely nothing I can do to alter things. Of course, logic would say that worrying is pointless because it won't change anything, but anyone who knows me will tell you that logic isn't always a word associated with my thought processes!
Since before I actually sat my OSCEs, I've been having flashbacks to my A level results day. As I said in my first post on this blog, I didn't get the grades I'd been hoping for, hence taking what I like to describe as the "scenic route" to medical school. I had all but forgotten about results day itself but suffice to say looking at that sheet of paper and realising I had screwed up was one of the most gutting moments of my life. I was lucky that results day for my BSc was a considerably more positive experience, but there's still a part of me that feels like a failure for having to do that degree in the first place (I am aware that someone with a decent degree who managed to get into medical school objectively is probably not a failure at all, but it's far easier to be objective about other people than it is about yourself).
At the moment, I don't really know what I'm most scared of. I could fail, have to decline my job, repeat the year of university, let down all my friends and family... I don't think after my experiences with my high school exams I would cope terribly well with that. The alternative might just be a bit more terrifying though. Maybe I'll pass - which case I'll be starting my first job as a doctor in 7 weeks time. Now that really is scary!
Since before I actually sat my OSCEs, I've been having flashbacks to my A level results day. As I said in my first post on this blog, I didn't get the grades I'd been hoping for, hence taking what I like to describe as the "scenic route" to medical school. I had all but forgotten about results day itself but suffice to say looking at that sheet of paper and realising I had screwed up was one of the most gutting moments of my life. I was lucky that results day for my BSc was a considerably more positive experience, but there's still a part of me that feels like a failure for having to do that degree in the first place (I am aware that someone with a decent degree who managed to get into medical school objectively is probably not a failure at all, but it's far easier to be objective about other people than it is about yourself).
At the moment, I don't really know what I'm most scared of. I could fail, have to decline my job, repeat the year of university, let down all my friends and family... I don't think after my experiences with my high school exams I would cope terribly well with that. The alternative might just be a bit more terrifying though. Maybe I'll pass - which case I'll be starting my first job as a doctor in 7 weeks time. Now that really is scary!
Friday, 8 June 2012
Finals
Just a very short update to say that this little Learnaholic has finished finals! If I've passed Wednesday and Thursday's OSCEs, then I will actually be a doctor. Scary but exciting times!
It's always really difficult to judge performance in OSCEs. There were a couple of stations I felt I really nailed and a couple I probably totally messed up, but overall I'm not sure how I got on. The great thing about medicine compared to my last degree was this is totally pass/fail. There is no grading, I don't have to worry about whether I got a first, 2i etc, which means that as long as I scrape through then I'll be happy.
I get results some time next week, so of course I'll update and let you all know how I got on. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get started on all the things I was putting off so I could revise....
xxx
It's always really difficult to judge performance in OSCEs. There were a couple of stations I felt I really nailed and a couple I probably totally messed up, but overall I'm not sure how I got on. The great thing about medicine compared to my last degree was this is totally pass/fail. There is no grading, I don't have to worry about whether I got a first, 2i etc, which means that as long as I scrape through then I'll be happy.
I get results some time next week, so of course I'll update and let you all know how I got on. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get started on all the things I was putting off so I could revise....
xxx
Wednesday, 30 May 2012
PICU
Last night, watching the Great Ormond Street documentary, I was reminded of the moment when I absolutely knew for sure that I had to be a doctor.
For those of you who haven't seen it, the documentary focuses on a different department in the hospital each week. So far there have been episodes set in oncology, surgery and cardiac transplantation. Last night's episode was in PICU - the paediatric intensive care unit. One of the things I really appreciate about this show is that it doesn't only show the happy endings. Some children, sadly, do not make it. Despite all the advances in medicine over the years, there are some things which simply cannot be fixed. Death is still very much a taboo in our society, and child death even more so. I feel it's really valuable to expose the fact that children can, and do, die. But I digress.
When I was 17, I spent some time over the summer holidays doing work experience in my local hospital. I was shadowing a paediatric anaesthetist and he arranged for me to spend time in all sorts of different areas. By that point, I was pretty sure I wanted to do medicine; I hadn't seriously considered much else since I'd started secondary school. Lots of areas impacted on me during that period I spent in the hospital. I saw some amazing things and some things that made me go home and cry. I heard stories which inspired me and stories which made me feel sick and disgusted at what humans are capable. I don't think I'll ever forget an awful lot of what I learnt then.
Of all of the moments which impacted on me, one in particular will never leave me. I was spending a day on PICU. There were two patients on the ward, a little girl of about 2 and a 3 year old boy. Obviously I can't give further details, but clearly they were very, very poorly. I sat and chatted with the consultant for a while about what was wrong with them, why they were there, what was being done for them. And then he told me that they were both very difficult patients to treat because it was hard to know what was in their best interests. Technology could keep them alive, but was it giving them any reasonable quality of life? It wasn't easy to know.
Later that morning, we spoke to the parents of one of the children. They also had another child; a delightful baby who was just beginning to say her first words. She'd learnt 3 words, alongside her babble. Mama, Dada, and the name of her sibling. She sat on my knee whilst the doctors spoke to her parents. They didn't know what else they could do. They didn't know whether it was fair to push medical treatment. They could keep the child alive. Did that mean they should? Well, that was the question which no one could really answer. After some discussion, it was decided that further aggressive treatment was not in this child's best interests. They would withdraw ventilatory support.
As the Mum and Dad said that they felt withdrawing was the best thing to do, the Mum began to cry. Their baby looked over to her and said, with just a hint of a question in her voice, the name of her sick sibling. I can't explain why, but right there, at that moment, I knew. I had to be a doctor.
For those of you who haven't seen it, the documentary focuses on a different department in the hospital each week. So far there have been episodes set in oncology, surgery and cardiac transplantation. Last night's episode was in PICU - the paediatric intensive care unit. One of the things I really appreciate about this show is that it doesn't only show the happy endings. Some children, sadly, do not make it. Despite all the advances in medicine over the years, there are some things which simply cannot be fixed. Death is still very much a taboo in our society, and child death even more so. I feel it's really valuable to expose the fact that children can, and do, die. But I digress.
When I was 17, I spent some time over the summer holidays doing work experience in my local hospital. I was shadowing a paediatric anaesthetist and he arranged for me to spend time in all sorts of different areas. By that point, I was pretty sure I wanted to do medicine; I hadn't seriously considered much else since I'd started secondary school. Lots of areas impacted on me during that period I spent in the hospital. I saw some amazing things and some things that made me go home and cry. I heard stories which inspired me and stories which made me feel sick and disgusted at what humans are capable. I don't think I'll ever forget an awful lot of what I learnt then.
Of all of the moments which impacted on me, one in particular will never leave me. I was spending a day on PICU. There were two patients on the ward, a little girl of about 2 and a 3 year old boy. Obviously I can't give further details, but clearly they were very, very poorly. I sat and chatted with the consultant for a while about what was wrong with them, why they were there, what was being done for them. And then he told me that they were both very difficult patients to treat because it was hard to know what was in their best interests. Technology could keep them alive, but was it giving them any reasonable quality of life? It wasn't easy to know.
Later that morning, we spoke to the parents of one of the children. They also had another child; a delightful baby who was just beginning to say her first words. She'd learnt 3 words, alongside her babble. Mama, Dada, and the name of her sibling. She sat on my knee whilst the doctors spoke to her parents. They didn't know what else they could do. They didn't know whether it was fair to push medical treatment. They could keep the child alive. Did that mean they should? Well, that was the question which no one could really answer. After some discussion, it was decided that further aggressive treatment was not in this child's best interests. They would withdraw ventilatory support.
As the Mum and Dad said that they felt withdrawing was the best thing to do, the Mum began to cry. Their baby looked over to her and said, with just a hint of a question in her voice, the name of her sick sibling. I can't explain why, but right there, at that moment, I knew. I had to be a doctor.
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