Monday, 11 June 2012

I was sitting, waiting, wishing...

Waiting for exam results is one of the most stressful experiences there is for students. The revision period, with all the worry and anticipation and studying to be done, is difficult, but I've always found that I can feel at least a little in control by working hard and being as prepared as possible. Now the exams are over, there is absolutely nothing I can do to alter things. Of course, logic would say that worrying is pointless because it won't change anything, but anyone who knows me will tell you that logic isn't always a word associated with my thought processes!

Since before I actually sat my OSCEs, I've been having flashbacks to my A level results day. As I said in my first post on this blog, I didn't get the grades I'd been hoping for, hence taking what I like to describe as the "scenic route" to medical school. I had all but forgotten about results day itself but suffice to say looking at that sheet of paper and realising I had screwed up was one of the most gutting moments of my life. I was lucky that results day for my BSc was a considerably more positive experience, but there's still a part of me that feels like a failure for having to do that degree in the first place (I am aware that someone with a decent degree who managed to get into medical school objectively is probably not a failure at all, but it's far easier to be objective about other people than it is about yourself).

At the moment, I don't really know what I'm most scared of. I could fail, have to decline my job, repeat the year of university, let down all my friends and family... I don't think after my experiences with my high school exams I would cope terribly well with that. The alternative might just be a bit more terrifying though. Maybe I'll pass - which case I'll be starting my first job as a doctor in 7 weeks time. Now that really is scary!

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